Title: Fluffy Feline Fascination
Author: Del Rion (delrion.mail (at) gmail.com)
Fandom: Iron Man & The Avengers (MCU)
Rating: K+ / FRC
Characters: J.A.R.V.I.S., Tony Stark (Iron Man), Tony’s bots (DUM-E and U).
(Mentioned: Clint Barton (Hawkeye), Nick Fury, Pepper Potts.)
Pairing: implied/off-screen Pepper/Tony
Summary: Clint gives the bots a gift. Tony doesn’t approve – but not for the reasons you might think.
Complete. Part of the “Genius, AI & Bots” series.
Written for: My card on Love Bingo’s (love_bingo) Round 3 (square: “Kitty love”)
Warnings: Implied usage of sex toys, mild language.
Disclaimer: Iron Man, Avengers and Marvel Cinematic Universe, including characters and everything else, belong to Marvel, Marvel Studios, Jon Favreau, Shane Black, Joss Whedon, Paramount Pictures and Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures. In short: I own nothing; this is pure fiction, created to entertain likeminded fans, for no profit whatsoever.
Beta: Mythra (mythras_fire)
Feedback: Very welcome.
About Fluffy Feline Fascination: Another all-dialogue venture.
Tony learns some (rather light-hearted) lessons in this one: let the bots (as well as the AI) have their mechanical pet, and to not touch Pepper’s toys (although she may have enjoyed the end result). Also, do not discuss your thoughts for a line of sex toys with Nick Fury.
Story and status: Below you see the writing process of the story. If there is no text after the title, then it is finished and checked. Possible updates shall be marked after the title.
Fluffy Feline Fascination
Written for my card on Love Bingo’s Round 3. Square: “Kitty love”.
“J.A.R.V.I.S., why are there C batteries on my shopping list?”
“There were none at the house, sir.”
“I get that. Also, you know it’s on purpose, so don’t play dumb; if I’m going to navigate the world into an era of better, cleaner energy, I can’t be using batteries in my own home. Ergo, no batteries in the house. I know Pepper’s been giving me a hard time about that, but I have also modified all the equipment she could possibly need, so she shouldn’t need batteries even if she’s asking me to buy some.”
“I recall, sir. She specifically expressed that you not touch her favorite vibrator, and yet you did.”
“For the betterment of mankind! And, also, her pleasure. Pep can’t say it doesn’t work as well as it used to, because it works so much better. I’m good at this stuff. Actually, I should look into launching a sex toy line…”
“I cannot confirm or deny that, sir, and I believe you’ve already had a talk about SI-branded sex toys with various people who vehemently disagreed with the idea – the latest being Director Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D.”
“Boy was that an awkward chat.”
“For you both, I’m sure.”
“Back on topic: why do I need to buy batteries?”
“The bots requested them.”
“Because they need two, and there were none in the house, as we previously established during this conversation.”
“Why do Dummy and You need batteries?”
“For the toy Agent Barton left behind during his last visit; he won it from the carnival the Avengers attended as a goodwill promotion, and the bots took a fancy to their gift. It has now run out of batteries.”
“I’m… What kind of toy? Also, make a note: Hawkeye owes me hours of productivity time which will come out of my availability to make him new arrows.”
“Would you like to specify how many hours, exactly, sir?”
“As many as it takes me to sort out the bots and put them back to work.”
“Sir, the bots have been quite diligent. They have finished all the assignments and tasks you have given them. Thus, there has been no drop in their efficiency.”
“Are you protecting them?”
“No, sir; just stating facts. Also, cute animals are supposed to awaken amiable feelings as well as compassion, and it may pertain positively to my own programming, development and growth to study this toy.”
“The toy… What the hell is it?”
“A kitty, sir.”
“A cat. Or, a toy modeled after a cat with some simple robotic functions.”
“Which needs batteries.”
“… I’m going to kill Clint.”
“That would seem a somewhat drastic response to Agent Barton providing the bots with harmless entertainment. Besides, it activates their nurturing programming.”
“Which I need for what, exactly?”
“You know what, sir. And, if you considered this part of their programming and free growth as inane and useless, you would have already removed any such aspects from them.”
“I think you just like the stupid toy cat.”
“You are, of course, the person most capable of understanding the intricacies of my programming, sir.”
“That’s a low blow, J. Fine: I’ll bring you your damn batteries.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Dummy, stop hovering. I know what I’m doing.”
“Seriously! I’ve got this. If you keep poking at my arm, it’s goodbye kitty-cat! I swear, I’ll rip out all the motor functions and you can use what’s left to wipe oil spills from the floor.”
“Isn’t that a tad cruel, sir?”
“DUM-E is simply expressing his concern over your modifications.”
“They’re improvements. You, hand me that box. No, the other one; look at where I’m pointing. Yeah, that. Do not drop it! And Dummy, stop trying to sneak your arm past me, it won’t work. I can hear your servos whine. When was the last time I changed your oil anyway? J.A.R.V.I.S., make a note that Dummy needs a tune-up.”
“Of course, sir. I’m sure DUM-E will appreciate it. However, there are still some concerns over what you are currently doing…”
“It’s fine. This kitty will be purring like nothing you’ve ever heard before.”
“I believe that is one of the main concerns for the bots.”
“Just have faith in me.”
“As much as is logically possible.”
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Just don’t ruin this, sir.”
“Not helping. Besides, it’s not as if accidentally messing up the kitty’s motor functions – which won’t happen, obviously, because I’m me – would bring about the world’s end. You do recall that I’ve been part of some truly world-threatening events?”
“Naturally, sir. I am not questioning your abilities to modify the toy’s power source. The bots simply fear your desire to improve something you deem flawed and inferior until it has been rendered unrecognizable.”
“Noted… Don’t worry: your kitty will be fine, I promise. Now, go mop the floor over there and let me focus.”
“What do you think, sir?”
“Well… The changes work nicely. All functions are operational at usual levels and there are no leakages or a danger of over-heating. Also, that fluff-ball can keep on crawling across the workshop until the known world ends without its new battery dying.”
“The bots are very happy.”
“I can see that. This better not affect your productivity, boys!”
“I am confident it won’t.”
“You did a good thing, sir.”
“Don’t get mushy on me, J.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”